excerpts from original work

ASHER RHYS GOT MARRIED TOO YOUNG A sort of modern epistolary, this multi-generational tale is told in layers: Rott Mellevold goes on a conspiracy theory podcast to refute rumors that his wealthy family are secretly psychic healers; Rott's not-biological-nor-legal father, Asher Rhys, leaves voicemails for his friend over a period of 20 years; Margot and Ranger Mellevold have intimate conversations with their son Lukas (both before and after his death). But primarily it is the story of Asher, who marries Lukas Mellevold at 18, is a widower by 28, and spends his thirties trying to hold on to his son Rott. A fable of parenthood, sacrifice, forgiveness.

BRODY TRAVIS: This episode of When the Truth Lies is brought to you by LaundroFast.  LaundroFast is the premier same-day-pick-up-drop-off-laundry-service-in-America.  Why should you lift a finger or leave the house when clean laundry is your fundamental right?  LaundroFast: because this is America, after all.  I’m Brody Travis and this is When the Truth Lies.  As the title implies we look at the underbelly of this country, the truths systematically suppressed by our government, and the secrets buried beneath American brick and mortar.  Whether you call it conspiracy theory, historical controversy, or unpopular culture, this is When the Truth Lies.

 

Podcast theme music.

 

BRODY: Hello out there.  On today’s episode we continue our series on American Psychics and Fringe Spirituality with a look at the Mellevolds of Mascouten, Illinois. 

 

On paper the Mellevolds are a successful Midwestern Family, whose popular chain of farmer’s markets, Mellevold Farm & Table, has saved hundreds of small farms across America’s Heartland.  And while that is how the Mellevolds prefer to be known, they are slowly becoming one of the most spiritually influential families in America since The Mormon Smiths.  The difference being that there is at least some verifiable documentation of the Mellevold Miracles. 

 

Nearly 40 years ago, in the Spring of 1990, school teacher Candace Karl was suffering from Stage IV Ovarian Cancer, which had spread to her spleen and liver.  The mother and soon to be grandmother was going to die.  She taught at Mascouten Middle School, where she was Lukas Mellevold’s favorite teacher.  Lukas Mellevold’s parents happened to be Ranger and Margot Mellevold, the owners of Mellevold Farm & Table.

 

In a conversation secretly recorded by her sister-in-law Cookie, Candace implies that her cancer was cured after a very peculiar dinner at the Mellevolds.  Since the recording began circulating in the early days of the internet whispers of the Mellevold’s psychic healing Gifts have only gotten louder.

 

Here, why don’t I just play the recording?

 

COOKIE: (Pre-recorded.) Did you get the recipe?

 

CANDACE: (Pre-recorded.) It’s probably in the magazine

 

COOKIE: (Pre-recorded.) They got a magazine now?

 

CANDACE: (Pre-recorded.) mmhmm get it every month, you can borrow it

 

COOKIE: (Pre-recorded.) The rich get richer I swear to Jesus

 

CANDACE: (Pre-recorded.) I get it for free, almost everybody they know gets it for free

 

COOKIE: (Pre-recorded.) Yeah yeah they do good with their money, I get it.  Stanley told me they paid for your hospital

 

CANDACE: (Pre-recorded.) They didn’t have to

 

COOKIE: (Pre-recorded.) Did they give you any money?

 

CANDACE: (Pre-recorded.) No because Mrs. Mellevold said I should take a nap.

 

COOKIE: (Pre-recorded.) What?

 

CANDACE: (Pre-recorded.)  It sounds crazy but she told me to take a nap, and I was tired so I did.  Then I woke up and I went home.

 

COOKIE: (Pre-recorded.) That’s when you went to the hospital?

 

CANDACE: (Pre-recorded.) No.

 

COOKIE: (Pre-recorded.) Stanley says they cured you with radiation at the hospital

 

CANDACE: (Pre-recorded.) When I went to the hospital I was already cured.

 

COOKIE: (Pre-recorded.) I don’t think I get it Candy…

 

CANDACE: (Pre-recorded.) My doctor did so many tests I thought it meant I was going to die right then, she kept saying she didn’t want to say anything too soon.  I was in the hospital for two days and at the end of it, my doctor told me she could find no trace of the cancer.  I was in “complete remission.”  And then I thought y’know I didn’t feel sick all week, I didn’t feel weak all week, my sleep was normal, for a week, a whole week, and it all happened after that dinner with Mrs. Mellevold.

 

COOKIE: (Pre-recorded.) I knew those people were weird!

 

CANDACE: (Pre-recorded.) Don’t you say a word okay!  Not-a-frickin-word!  I love that family, I love that little boy Lukas, knowin the Mellevolds has done a whole lot more for me than knowin anybody else including your damn brother Stanley, that’s for sure.

 

BRODY: Candace Karl remained devoted to the Mellevolds and eventually left teaching to become a lifelong employee at Mellevold Farm & Table.  She never spoke publicly about the recording, presumably out of respect for (or fear of) the Mellevold family.  The Mellevolds have also never addressed the recording, or any other evidence of their purported psychic gifts.

 

Until now!  On today’s show we have renowned glass artist Rott Mellevold: grandson of Ranger and Margot Mellevold and son of Lukas Mellevold and Naomi Nayim.

 

ROTT: And Asher Rhys ...  Yeah I have two dads, you didn’t know that? … No it’s fine happens all the time … I call Asher my Da to make things less confusing ... Yeah thanks for having me, I love your show by the way ...  Okay so before we start I just wanna make something clear: my family is not psychic, and we don’t talk about our personal lives ...  So yeah, when you reached out to my Grandma Margot, she didn’t even consider it at first, but then she thought about it and by this point these rumors have gotten so big that somebody from my family needed to say something and that’s why I’m here! 

 

BRODY: Okay so before you start denying things, you gotta tell me: why are you named Rott?

 

ROTT: I’m named after Johnny Rotten. 

 

BRODY: Oh really?  Your parents are Sex Pistols fans?

 

ROTT: My father was

 

BRODY: Which one?

 

ROTT: Ahaha yeah um, it was my father, Lukas

 

BRODY: The Mellevold Father?

 

ROTT: Yes.

 

BRODY: Now Rott, have you heard that recording of Candace and Cookie Karl before?

 

ROTT: Yes I’ve heard it … that was, one of those things, like if my father was an actor and he said don’t watch my movies: I wasn’t supposed to listen to that conversation.  More for, because my grandmother thought it was embarrassing for Mrs. Karl ... 

 

BRODY: Why would she be embarrassed?

 

ROTT: Well she sounds kinda nutty.  Sure my family has a knowledge of healing but it is very human and of this earth.  We are not mediums, or psychics, or any paranormal anything.  And by the way nobody in my family has ever claimed anything even close to that.

GRACE’S ANSWERING MACHINE: (pre-recorded.) Hi this is Grace’s own personal super secret CELL PHONE leave a massage say WHATEVER YOU WANT my parentals won’t hear!

 

Beep.

 

 

 

 

 

 

ASHER: Hi Grace, it’s Asher!  Okay so I hope you are really good but I have something to say first, wait you’re not, you didn’t actually answer okay I – LUKAS PROPOSED!!  He got down on one knee like in a movie, like I was Nicole Kidman IN A MOVIE!!  I can’t believe it I’m getting married!!  Obviously it’s not like legal marriage, it’s a commitment ceremony, but not some hippie backyard bullshit, this ceremony is grand and symbolic, all the Mellevolds do it, not just the gay ones, it’s more important than marriage Luke says. 

 

I’m pretty sure Luke’s mom thinks I’m stupid tho. I was talking about Nicole and Tom’s divorce at dinner and Margot—Luke’s mom—just leaned across the table and was like, do you watch the news?  She thinks I’m dumb, I asked Luke and he said no but she does, she thinks I’m stupid.  All the Mellevolds think they're smarter than me which, they do use parts of their brains I don’t know how to use, but they also don’t read books or know what movies are out.  Like Margot, who is really smart and like verbal even though she thinks I’m dumb, has never read a Jane Austen book and doesn’t know who Nicole Kidman is!  I can’t figure out how to get her to like me. But I will. I aways do.

 

I haven’t told my dad yet but visitation’s next week and I’ll tell him then whatever I’m sure he’ll be fine, he’s become much more open-minded since going to jail.  He’ll probably just say “you're finally getting out of the trailer park!” and like I know my mom and I don't live in a trailer park anymore but you know how my dad likes to rub that in.

 

My mom’s still so confused by the whole “commitment ceremony” thing but whatever, she just refuses to accept that gay marriage is not legal in Illinois.  Like I keep telling her and she’s like “no it’s illegal everywhere else, but not Illinois, Jerry and Sam got married!” but Jerry and Sam did not get married they had like an Appalachian Whistle Ceremony.  She also said the Mellevolds remind her of a murder of crows which, what does that even mean?  She says it's an ancient Hebrew proverb but whatever my mom only decides to be Jewish when it comes to confusing metaphors.

 

I tried to explain to my mom that Luke says gay marriage will be legal and in like 15 years and he said it because, like he said it because he knows. But I don’t like to be too specific with my mom about Luke’s gifts because she drinks too much and has a big mouth. 

 

I know you don’t really believe that stuff about Luke but he’s right so much.  And I feel good that he wants to marry me because, because he knows.  He knows it’s going to work, he can see it happening, otherwise why would he ask me?  Okay I gotta go my mom got KFC!!

 

A crow caws. 

 

MARGOT: Asher is 17 Lukas, and stupid … I’m your mother I can call your boyfriend stupid, especially if he is … Well he spent dinner talking about, about Tom Cruise getting divorced from that Australian Person …  I don’t care what her name is … The country was just attacked, we will go to war, and Asher’s main concern is the wellbeing of an Australian Actress he’s never even met … I don’t get it, what are you seeing that I’m not?  He isn’t even, he’s not even really that attractive Lukas I really don’t get it ...  I don’t know if he’s the right match … This is all very silly, you don’t need a boyfriend or a, husband, a partner, not right now … Just have the baby with Naomi and raise it together … I’m not suggesting you marry Naomi dear, I understand what a homosexual is, but the well-being of your future child is what’s important and I don’t think Asher is parent material … I’m serious Lukas, I think he might have a disorder.

 

Ranger talks to Lukas.

RANGER: Son, you gotta talk to your boyfriend.  Your mother won’t admit it, but she thinks he’s stupid … Oh she did? … Jesus Margot … Hey I don’t care, I don’t mind, besides as long as you and Naomi have that boy to carry on the Mellevold name, so as far as I’m concerned, you can shack up with anybody you like, I don’t care what they got between their legs or between their ears.  But, for the ceremony, your boyfriend wants to recite an Emily Dickinson poem: you know how your mother feels about Emily Dickinson.  He also wants a priest and a rabbi: now the only people your mother hates more than Catholics and Jews are people who think they can be both.  And Emily Dickinson.

 

GRACE’S VOICEMAIL: (Pre-recorded.) Hi this is Grace, I’m mostly unavailable this weekend because MY BESTIE ASHER IS GETTING MARRIED!!  And you’re not, bye.

WINNER

Outstanding Solo Show / The Fresh Fruit Festival

Best Directing in a Solo Show / The Fresh Fruit Festival

PERFORMANCE(S) at The WILD Project (Fresh Fruit Festival) 7/22/17 | The Tank 10/24/17 10/25/17 | Dixon Place 01/29/18

LEASING OFFICE, PLEASE HOLD.

a solo-play-in-progress about a mean, stupid receptionist who hates their job.  It's about you too.

PILGRIM NOTES Jasper Lange, a virgin approaching thirty, dreams of a pilgrim-themed wedding even though he's only ever kissed one man: Tommy Watkins. Confused, lonely and in mourning, Jasper sends a note to Brando (the serial killer who murdered Tommy Watkins), beginning a correspondence that challenges Jasper's perceptions of of esteem and love

JASPER: Dear Mother,
 
Or no, I don’t want you to read this.
 
Is there a Patron Saint of Shame I can talk to, I would like someone wholesome and from the
Bible.
 
I’m afraid I’m talking to the Devil but I have to put it somewhere. Dear Diary, (sorry I’ve never written you before)
 
It’s like sometimes when I see the number 666, like on the calorie counter on the elliptical, well sometimes I get a little excited cause maybe it’s the devil talkin to me.
 
I found some pictures of bones in a filin cabinet, didn’t say which of the victims they belonged to.  But still they coulda been Tommy’s bones.  That excited me.
 
That I might be lookin at the bones of somebody I used to know.  I thought about that a lot.  I knew those bones when they had life on em, when they walked around, and now they’re just like sticks of white wood.
 
I wanted to masturbate to the bones.  I even pulled my dick out to do it but then I remembered Barbie dolls and stickers and all the secret games we used to play.  Then I thought about all the football players Tommy fucked, and how Tommy was the only person who ever touched my dick because I wanted to wait till marriage.  If that serial killer had picked me, I woulda died a almost-26-year-old-virgin.  Unless he raped me.
 
But no serial killer is ever gonna look at me twice.  That’s the main difference between me and
Tommy Watkins.  Besides bein alive and bein dead.
 
I called Tommy’s dad, I thought if I could make him feel better then I’d feel better.  He is just copin.  That’s it.  He said family and friends of the victims are sendin letters to the killer, to The Yankee Devil.  Some of them are hateful and some of them offer forgiveness.  He said I should write one.
 
Dear Mr. Gierke,
 
My name is Jasper Lange and Tommy Watkins was the first boy I ever kissed.  Did you really visit the bones?
 
Yours,
Jasper
 
LEAVITT: 
Mr. Lange,
 
This letter is in response to your correspondence with my client, Brando Gierke.  Many people have written to Brando but yours is the first response of my client’s to be approved for delivery. Brando seems to think you see his humanity.  If this is true I hope you continue a correspondence with Brando.  I wonder if you might help people to see Brando as something more than a monster.  The death penalty is a terrible thing, Mr. Lange, and Brando was unfortunately tried and convicted in your home state where it is still in effect.
 
You should receive Brando’s response very soon.
 
Sincerely,
Saul Leavitt
 
BRANDO: Dear Jasper,
 
Can I call you Jasper?  I like that name, it’s like a squall or a whisper.  Thank you for your letter. I get so confused reading the others ones, they’re always long and at a certain point the letters sound like diary entries I’m not supposed to be reading.  But you just put a sentence and a question, I feel like I can respond to that.
 
Yes I visited the bones, because I loved them.  I didn’t do anything I did out of hate or anger, just the kind of love I have, I guess it’s a kind of love that is dangerous.  I didn’t know that.  I loved those men, all of them, very much.  And I would visit their bones in the filing cabinets and talk to them, pretend they were talking back.  But don’t worry, I knew they weren’t.
 
I’m sorry about Tommy.  I remember him, none of those men were anonymous to me, and I loved Tommy very much.  I’m sorry I took him away from you.  I’m sorry I gave your first kiss such a sad ending.  I hope you can forgive me.
 
Yours,
Brando
 
PS: I want to keep writing you letters.  You don’t have to write back,
 
JASPER: or you can just write a sentence and a question, I don’t mind.  I feel like I see your face in the paper, and I hear your voice in the handwriting.  I don’t think you know how good it made me feel to read your letter, and I don’t know if you did it on purpose, but thank you writing “yours, Jasper”.

WINNER
Outstanding Performance in a Solo Show / Planet Connections Theatre Festivity 

NOMINEE
Outstanding Production of a Solo Show / Planet Connections Theatre Festivity 
Outstanding Director of a Solo Show / Planet Connections Theatre Festivity 

PREVIEW PERFORMANCE(S) at Undiscovered Countries: The Infinite Festival 09/21/15 & 11/16/15
PERFORMANCES at Planet Connections Festivity 06/19/16 | 06/24/16 | 06/26/16 | 07/7/16 | 07/9/16

MIDWESTERN GOTHIC a solo play about the ways the past does and does not repeat itself told primarily through a young man named Nixon, also Jane Eyre & Marilyn Monroe

NIXON: Illinois is a funny place to grow up.  It’s like lots of different states in one.  Chicago is so beautiful and clean, and it’s a city with a beach, which is incredible and almost like, European even though I’ve never been there. In the summer it’s hot and chic and in the winter it’s stately and cool.  But when you go beyond Chicago in almost any direction it’s just endless flat beige highways with dead trees and half-dead animals, then patches and patches and towns and towns of dusty dead grass and houses with sun-bleached siding.  And square brick buildings, each in their own way resembling a DMV or government housing, or a place where the county stores its water records ... and flat forever.  It’s like the world isn’t round there.  I was born in Hettick Illinois and I don’t know how to describe that place to anybody who’s never been to the Midwest.  It’s like, it’s like a modern version of on an old prairie town, dusty with all the stores and homes lined up straight across from each other, drug stores and grocery stores and houses and dentist offices and doctors offices concentrated together with miles and miles of flatland on either side.  I lived in Hettick Illinois with the lady who fed me soup, then with Rayleen who took in foster kids like a hobby.  She got rid of me because I talked like an old movie.  I’m not kidding that’s actually like, written in the files documenting my nearly ten years in the system and the first 18 years of my life.

After Hettick I went to this really Christian group foster home in Hidalgo Illinois for four years, then I lived with this random white trash lady named Selena in Addison Illinois till I aged out of foster care.  And when you live in the asscrack of Illinois and nobody adopts you, people take you to Chicago as some kind of present.  Oh but the wind in Chicago was so chilly and rich because of Lake Michigan, I loved that.  

But what I remember most about Illinois is each bumblefuck town had a bigass water tower that looked like a plastic UFO perched on a dildo, with the name of the town written in some big tacky font the color of burnt orange or army green.  They remain, to this day, the ugliest things I have ever seen in my life.

When I was young somebody told me Marilyn Monroe had been a foster kid, and lived in foster homes and orphanages.  I don’t know orphanages, but I’ve been an orphan, and I know foster homes.  And group homes.  Foster houses, group buildings -- home isn’t a word that’s ever come out easy.  I could never figure out how anybody walks out of a foster house or a group building and ends up pretty much the most famous person that ever lived.

That’s why I’m glad I can stop time to tell my story to frozen listeners.  Because I can’t actually say all this to children.  I get nervous around kids, around people young enough to still grow up natural.  Because if I’ve learned anything in this life it’s that children can be ruined.

I have my chance at happiness, though.  The Mullet Man.

READING at Undiscovered Countries: The Infinite Festival on 5/19/14
PERFORMED at the Dream Up Festival at the Theater for the New City on 8/1/14, 8/19/14, 8/21/14, 8/22/14, 8/24/14, 9/4/14

TO THE MISSING a play about the imperfect American Flood family, and the aftermath of the disappearance of young Isaiah Flood

Rebecca, Kennedy and Swenson in the living room.  Brontë is present but it’s not initially clear if anybody notices.

 

KENNEDY:  Why are we leaving out the hat?

 

SWENSON: Releasing every detail is death to a case like this.

 

KENNEDY:  Nice choice of words asshole

 

REBECCA: Ken stop.  I’m sorry Detective Swenson.

 

SWENSON: It’s fine.

 

KENNEDY:  This is important information!

 

SWENSON: If we reveal everything we’re gonna have a hundred crazy kooks contacting us with very specific information they read in the newspaper and if the lead is specific enough, we have to follow it.

 

KENNEDY:  You should follow every lead!

 

SWENSON: We do, Mr. Flood, but we have to prioritize. That way when a lead comes in that mentions the hat we’ll know we’ve got something real.

 

KENNEDY:  So you’re just gonna ignore all the leads about a, I don’t—, a 30 year old white fucker in a tan car because nobody said he had a white fucking hat with a goddamn blue bird on it?

 

SWENSON: Jack said the bird was red.

 

KENNEDY:  JESUS!

 

REBECCA: Ken stop screaming

 

SWENSON: When a lead comes in that mentions the hat then we’ll put everybody we can on the case PLUS the guys we take offa whatever smaller things we got going on

 

KENNEDY: All your guys should be out looking for Isaiah right now!

 

REBECCA: Ken you’re making everything worse

 

KENNEDY:  The police aren’t fucking helping!!  And honestly Claudia it seems like you’re not helping on purpose

 

REBECCA: I’m going to kill you if you don’t shut up

 

KENNEDY:  You freak out if Silas goes in the basement why aren’t you freaking out?!

 

REBECCA: YOU CAN’T FIND ISAIAH, KEN!

 

A second.

 

SWENSON: Mr. and Mrs. Flood, please listen to me: every lead cannot hold equal weight.  No police department, no investigative team, not even the FBI can sift through all the leads that come in and give them equal weight.  You have to give some priority, strategically, in order to use your manpower as best you can.  Can you please try to understand that?

 

KENNEDY:  Leave out the part about the tan car. Lots of people have tan cars but not everybody will have that hat.

 

SWENSON: Exactly Mr. Flood.

 

KENNEDY:  Exactly what?

 

SWENSON: Exactly what you just said.

 

KENNEDY:  You are a fucking shitbucket doyaknow that!

 

REBECCA: Ken shut the fuck up Silas in on the stairs.

 

KENNEDY:  Oh no.

 

Rebecca starts to go.

 

KENNEDY:  No I’ll do it.

 

Rebecca eyes Kennedy icily.

 

Kennedy goes to comfort Silas, who is on the staircase leading to nowhere.  We can hear him say

“What’s up sportfan?”

 

SWENSON: Mrs. Flood can you please talk to him?

 

REBECCA: I am so sorry he is being such a fucking asshole. I’ll talk to him.  Call me Rebecca.  Do you want a glass of water or anything?

 

KENNEDY:  Yes thank you.

 

Rebecca goes to get Swenson a glass of water. Swenson pokes around the house. Rebecca comes back with a glass of water and a glass of wine.

 

Swenson takes a sip of water, Rebecca of wine. Kennedy comes back.

 

REBECCA: What’s he say?

 

KENNEDY:  He thinks Isaiah caught his chickenpox and died.

 

SWENSON: How old is he?

 

KENNEDY: Six

 

REBECCA: He’s seven.

 

SWENSON: Want me to talk to him?

 

KENNEDY:  No.

 

REBECCA: It’s okay detective, he’ll be okay.

 

Rebecca paces.

 

REBECCA: We should be doing something

 

SWENSON: We’ve got our guys out, a stories running in the Herald tomorrow; you should probably go on the news, make some kind of statement

 

KENNEDY:  Jesus

 

SWENSON: It works Ken.  Sometimes the perpetrator sees the parents on TV, they feel bad and give the kid back; or somebody will see the news, recognize something, call in a tip and it’s what breaks the case.  It puts a face to everything.  It’ll be short, I can call Hadassah Huang Perez

 

REBECCA: Oh I love her!

 

Swenson and Kennedy look at Rebecca.

Receptionist enters dejectedly, crying.

 

Drops their things.

 

Pulls a wooden box from their bag.

  

Places the wooden box on their desk.

 

PHONE RINGS

 

Receptionist shushes it.

 

Receptionist puts on the song "Ritual" by Tiësto, Jonas Blue and Rita Ora, covers their face, and prepares for the day.

 

PHONE RINGS

 

RECEPTIONIST

 

Leasing office, please hold.

 

Receptionist puts the caller on hold.

 

Pulls out a Jade Roller. Rolls their face a bit.

 

Phone rings. Receptionist answers.

 

Leasing office, please hold.

 

Receptionist switches calls.

 

RECEPTIONIST

 

Thank you for holding, how can I help you?

 

No this is not John.

 

No it’s not Jane.

 

It’s the leasing office. How can I help you?

 

Are you calling for yourself or for a client?

 

Our lowest priced studio is 2550 and available immediately.

 

It’s 396 squarefeet.

 

Your client can either get a one month OP or a free month.

 

No it’s either/or.

 

No EITHER/OR.

 

No not both either/or.

 

Yes you need an appointment.

 

Mmhmm

 

CALL WAITING TONE

 

My name is Jae.

 

You’re welcome.

 

Yeah bye

 

Receptionist switches calls.

 

RECEPTIONIST

 

Thank you for holding, how can I help you?

 

Are you calling for yourself or for a client?

 

Because I asked you

 

Because

 

Because I asked you

 

Because

 

CALL WAITING TONE

 

Please hold.

 

RECEPTIONIST TURNS ON "RITUAL" AGAIN

 

Receptionist makes a mask for their T-Zone.

 

They pull out their vape, which they quickly realize is broken. 

They stealthily pull from their one-hitter instead; fan away the pot smoke.

 

Receptionist takes out a Sano Silk Mask and applies it while listening to "Ritual".

 

RECEPTIONIST TURNS OFF "RITUAL"

 

Receptionist pcks up the phone.

 

RECEPTIONIST

 

Thank you for holding, how can I help you?

 

Receptionist paints their face with the jelly mask.

 

My manager is not in right now.

 

Because we opened five minutes ago.

 

Why do you need their email?

 

Okay come on you were not on hold for that long

 

Okay

 

Their email is ajc@atlasmanagement.com.

 

Their first name is Alex.

 

Alex.

 

Like the name Alex.

 

No Alex.

 

Like Alex-ander Skarsgaard or Alex-ander Graham Bell

 

A–L–E-X

A as in Anus.

 

L as in licker

 

No not liquor, licker like ass lic

 

Yes Alex.

 

CALL WAITING TONE

 

My name is Juno.

 

Ok. Ok. Ok go ahead.  Ok yeah you go do that.

 

Receptionist switches lines.

Leasing office, how can I help you?

 

ENIGMA TONE

 

Receptionist listens for a bit as the facial mask tightens.

 

CALL WAITING TONE

 

But Receptionist stays listening.

 

CALL WAITING TONE

 

But eventually, they have to do their job...

Receptionist switches lines.

 

RECEPTIONIST

Leasing office how can I help you?

 

Oh hi Robert.

 

No sorry it’s not available anymore.

 

We have a two bed for 4800. 930.

 

Yeah it’s that line.

 

It’s either/or.

 

Alex is coming in late this morning they have court

 

They punched a meter maid

 

I’m good thanks how are you?

 

Oh cool.

 

Ok.

 

No you don’t need an appointment just walk in.

 

CALL WAITING TONE

 

Ok bye.

 

Receptionist switches lines.

 

RECEPTIONIST

 

Leasing office, how can I help you?

 

CALL WAITING TONE

 

Oooo yesss this is that leasing office hold on one second for me daddy.

 

Receptionist puts the call on hold.

 

Leasing office, please hold.

 

Receptionist switches lines.

 

Oh yeah Daddy I’m such a bad little receptionist

 

Ooooo you were on hold for so long I’m such a naughty naughty receptionist Yeah I want it

 

CALL WAITING TONE

 

I want it so bad

 

Sucking noises.

 

yeah and now I’m sucking it oooo yes mmm slurp slurp please hold.

 

Receptionist switches lines.

Leasing office, how can I help you?

 

Are you calling for yourself or for a client?

 

What’s your budget and when do you need to move?

 

Are you keeping it as a one bedroom or are you flexing it?

 

Like are you trying to put up a wall in the living room to make it a two bedroom.

 

Sorry our lowest priced flex 2 is 3600, honestly you’re not going to find a flex 2 in this neighborhood with that budget.

 

Try Brooklyn.

 

Receptionist switches lines.

 

Sorry sorry Daddy I’m so bad you should cock slap me

 

Please hold.

Receptionist puts caller on hold. Takes a breath, gets into character. Takes caller off hold.

 

Hey faggot you want daddy to breed that bussy hole?

 

Yeah

 

You want daddy to tear you open?

 

CALL WAITING TONE

 

I’m gonna fuckin, please hold.

 

Receptionist switches lines.

 

Leasing office how can I help you?

 

Oh heyyy what’s up?

 

Oh god really?  Wow.

 

I just, I hate her so much, I can’t imagine her having a baby.

 

She’s going to be a terrible mother.

 

Wait is she gonna raise a baby in that little studio?

 

God I hate her.

 

That baby is gonna be so fucked up.

 

Her dad still pays her rent why is she having a baby!?

 

Oh yes he does.

 

I’m literally cc’ed on all the emails like when management didn’t want to renew her lease because she yelled at the mailman for going into her mailbox because that’s where she keeps her checks which ok I guess she physically pays the rent with those checks but her dad transfers her the money and she’s def in her 40s.

 

Yes she is.

 

I can check her birthdate in on-site gimme a sec

 

Receptionist uses computer to check on-site, a leasing website.

 

CALL WAITING TONE

 

Yup she was born in 1974 she’s 45.

 

Yeah she does look good I think she’s a yoga teacher, which is why she can’t pay her rent.

 

Ok I gotta go.

 

Receptionist switches lines.

 

Leasing office how can I help you?

 

Are you calling for yourself or for a client?

 

So a client?

 

Ok. No. No. No. No.  No. No. No. No. No.  No. No. No. No. No.  No. No. No. No. No.

 

No. No. No. No. No.  No. No. No. No. No.  No. No. No. No. No.  No. No. No. No. No.

 

No. No. No. No. No.  No. No. No.

 

Please hold.

 

Receptionist switches lines.

 

Leasing office please

 

ENIGMA TONE

+

CALL WAITING TONE 

 +

CALL WAITING TONE 

 +

CALL WAITING TONE

 

Receptionist ignores some calls, but eventually they have to do their job…

  

Receptionist switches lines.

 

Leasing office, how can I help you?

 

CALL WAITING TONE

 

Please hold.